Remembering...

      

Seth Roman Van Wienen....born in Russia on July 23, 1999 adopted to home in July 2002.  He was a beautiful child with a beautiful soul.  Always wanting to please, but with a naughty streak as wide as the Mississippi.  Wondered about his 'Russia mom' often.  Was worried for my safety when he found out that I was pregnant with Ben.  Avid basketball player.  Loyal friend.  Player of tricks.  A smile that would melt your heart.  A raspy voice from being left alone in his crib crying so long when an infant.  Loved to read.  Hated to get his nails clipped.  Pushed his brother's buttons daily.  Naughty on the bus.  Accepted Jesus in his heart and the first thing he said after he prayed was "MOM!!  I feel all warm inside!"  Loved his cousins.  Had epic light saber battles with Kyle.  Looked forward to boys adventure every

      year and searching for stones.  LOVED sausages and mashed potatoes. 

      Completely tone deaf.  Would try and sneak up on me to scare me. 

      Loved Jesus.  Told others about Jesus including a neighborhood kid

      who he sat down with and prayed the prayer with that child.  Had the

      sweetest speech impediment and couldn't say his "r"s.  Had the cutest

      outty belly button that prevented him from sliding down slip and slides

      because it scraped it too much.  Terrified of dogs.  Inhaled pistachios.

      Would rather wear sweat pants to jeans any day.  Had THE BLUEST of

       eyes.  Was a complete wimp when it came to pain.  Got scared easily.

       Liked watching Cim Possible.  Always had dirty grimy fingers. 

 

 Just a few of the things that I miss about our Seth.  We had him only 5 short years, but what a mark he left on our lives.  I miss grabbing hugs from him and his reluctantcy of giving kisses.

He would be 19 now - in college.  I wonder if he would have a girlfriend or what he would be studying.  Thing is....it was never to be.   He was never to be 19 or go to college.  God's plan for his life only allowed him to be 10.  I wonder if children age in heaven?  I know that I'll recognize him immediately but I wonder how old he'll be?  So many things that I can't wait to do with him again! 

 

God is still good.  I don't think I would be able to say that in previous years - but He is.  He never left me.  He was constantly 
surrounding me with His love and peace.  He was crying right along

     with us.  We felt His presence in such amazingly beautiful ways.  He never left me.  Through the hundreds and hundreds of cards, to 6 months of meals, to hugs given at just the right time, to lunches that were made so I wouldn't have to make 1 less and be reminded of it every single day.  God was with us when Ben was born 3 months to the day after Seth died.  He was with us when we travelled to Guatemala 6 months later to bring Lydia home.  He was with us - carrying us most times - throughout that first year and beyond.  God is still good.  I stand on that truth while I remember our Seth.

 

 

Jolynn sized faith

I just love it when God confirms His call to me.  I have to say that I am weak in my faith.  Oh, I don't desire that at all, I just am.  I wish for the faith of Abraham or Esther - big faith - HUGE faith. But I have a Jolynn kind of faith, one that needs ongoing confirmations.  I'm sure that Abraham and Esther needed that too, it just seems theirs was this mountain sized belief.  So, I strive for theirs while building my own. 

 

One day last week, I was having my quiet time and I was begging God for one of His confirmations.  I'm a big believer in doing what He asks me to do it's just I question what I'm hearing all the time.  I'm getting better at knowing His voice, don't get me wrong, but there are many times when I just want to be reassured.  Last week was one of those times.  I'm sitting outside on our deck with the sun brightly shining and big gusts of wind blowing.  I had my journal on my lap and I started asking Him to show me that I am suppose to start writing.  At that very moment a gust of wind came up and blew the pages of my journal.  I sat there soaking in the sun with my eyes closed waiting for His word and hearing silence.  Another big gust of wind but this time the pages of my journal stayed open to the place it previously had blown.  I don't know why I thought that odd, but I opened my eyes and looked down and saw this: 

 

 

It was what I had written during the writing conference I attended 2 weeks prior.  Confirmations.  God is in the business of them, to build my faith so that someday I just may have the faith of Abraham and Esther...but for today, I'll take my Jolynn sized faith.





"Now is the time"

Have you ever received a word from God that is so clear you HAVE to obey?  That's what has been happening to me these last few months.  Let me explain.  2 years ago, God called me to "come away with Me and rest"  In those 2 years I have been waiting on Him.  Listening for Him.  Abiding in Him.  Being loved on by Him.  It has been a very sweet time for me.  In those 2 years He has whispered to me to share my story.  I didn't know how He wanted me to do that but just recently He showed me. He told me that "now is the time" for me to share it - by writing

about it.  So, I begin on this journey of writing my story.  Sharing His glory.  Showing all of His fingerprints on my life.

I have to be honest - I'm experiencing a mixture of excitement, reservation, and a healthy share of FEAR.  What if I don't know how to write well?  What if no one really cares?  What if it's a total flop?  So many what ifs, but He's not telling me to ask those questions.  He's telling me to trust Him.  Trust Him with this calling.  Trust Him with giving me the right words.  Trust Him with my story. 

Can I ask you for something?  Please pray for me.  Pray that I won't rely on my own strength.  Pray that only He receives the glory.  Pray for wisdom for me as I go through untraveled waters - again.  Pray that others will be encouraged through my story.  Pray that they will know that God never leaves or forgets about them.  My hope is that people will be encouraged as they read about my story.  That they will know it is possible to see God's fingerprints on their faith.  That they are able to hear God speaking to them and possibly saying "now is the time".