Going back

I've wanted to explain something for the past several weeks.  Have you noticed the red handprint in the background of my blog?  That is the hand of our sweet Seth.  Seeing how little his hand was - it's hard to remember how little he really was.  I wonder how big his hand would be now. 

 

The hospital staff  were unbelievable after Seth's accident.  Compassionate, empathetic, caring, allowed us to grieve any way we felt we needed to.  One of the special things that they had done was to get a handprint of Seth's hand.  I didn't know at that time how precious this gesture actually was.  It's one of the things I treasure deeply.  Being able to see his little hand whenever I need to?  Such a gift!

 

I've come to the time in my writing that I'm about to tackle the day of the accident and the following days.  To say I'm apprehensive doesn't even come close.  Putting myself back in those initial moments and days is terrifying to me.  I know that I am suppose to do this.  God has made that abundantly clear that now is the time to do this.  It's just that I don't want to go back to the pain...the gut wrenching pain...the wailing...the witnessing our other kids going through that pain. 

 

But there were also so many gifts and I am looking forward to remembering those.  I'm looking forward to remembering what God did for us in those early hours and days.  Please pray for me as I take on this task in the next several weeks.  I desperately want Him to be glorified in it.  Please pray that I receive the words He wants me to write.  Please pray that when I look at that little hand, remember some difficult memories, and write these next few chapters that I see Him and what He has done for me and be able to express my gratitude to Him and for all He has done in these last 9 years. 

Where did my memories go?

We celebrated a birthday in our family this month - our youngest just turned nine.  NINE?  NINE!  NINE?!?!?!?  Yea, it's hard to believe that Ben is on the brink of pre-adolescence.  For many moms, I'm sure, sometimes the days drag but the years fly.  Such a paradox.  Sad thing is....when I think back to when Ben was born, I don't remember much of his infancy.  How can that be?  My menopausal brain doesn't work as it used to, but really...no memories of his first months?  It takes pictures for me to remember foggy moments in his early life.    It's another thing that death has stolen from me. 

 

You see, Ben was born exactly 3 months after Seth died.  I was still in shock I'm sure.  I will never forget what my doctor had said to me when he placed Ben on my chest... "3 months ago you had to say goodbye to one son, but today you get to hold another".  Cue the tears.  Oh yea, it wasn't pretty.  Hormonally, on a rollercoaster to begin with then you add on raw grief...I didn't have a chance!  Ben's birth was by far the most difficult of the 3 full term pregnancies that I experienced. 

 

Super Bowl Sunday, February 2008.  Water broke.  Kids screaming with excitement, then completely grossed out by the site of my water breaking.  Neighbors coming over to watch the kids and with so much love cleaned up my mess - we headed for the hospital.  Several hours later Benjamin Seth Van Wienen made his appearance in our family. 

 

Looking back, Greg reminds me of the sleepless nights for the first 10 months because of ear infections...no memory.  I'm told that Luke was especially taken with Ben those first few months...no memory.   Bottle feeding in the middle of the night....no memory.  Watching the kids bond with Ben...no memory.  First time he crawled...none.  First smile...no.  All I have of that first year of Ben's life are pictures.  I'm thankful for them especially now.  It's strange to me, how can such a life changing experience be completely obliterated from my memory?  I guess it's probably deep in there some where....places I don't know how to reach.  I blame the brokenness of grief...one of those ripples in the waters of grief.  But even though I don't have those memories, I still have Ben.  I still choose to find the joy in each of our kids (even though it may be very difficult some days!).  I choose to go forward in life occasionally looking back at the memories lost... but mostly looking ahead to the blessings He still has in store for me. 

 

So happy birthday Ben-Ben (what we used to call him when he was younger - he HATES being called that now)....thank you for being you and bringing so many blessings into our lives!  Excited to see where God leads you and what plans He has in store for your future!