We celebrated a birthday in our family this month - our youngest just turned nine. NINE? NINE! NINE?!?!?!? Yea, it's hard to believe that Ben is on the brink of pre-adolescence. For many moms, I'm sure, sometimes the days drag but the years fly. Such a paradox. Sad thing is....when I think back to when Ben was born, I don't remember much of his infancy. How can that be? My menopausal brain doesn't work as it used to, but really...no memories of his first months? It takes pictures for me to remember foggy moments in his early life. It's another thing that death has stolen from me.
You see, Ben was born exactly 3 months after Seth died. I was still in shock I'm sure. I will never forget what my doctor had said to me when he placed Ben on my chest... "3 months ago you had to say goodbye to one son, but today you get to hold another". Cue the tears. Oh yea, it wasn't pretty. Hormonally, on a rollercoaster to begin with then you add on raw grief...I didn't have a chance! Ben's birth was by far the most difficult of the 3 full term pregnancies that I experienced.
Super Bowl Sunday, February 2008. Water broke. Kids screaming with excitement, then completely grossed out by the site of my water breaking. Neighbors coming over to watch the kids and with so much love cleaned up my mess - we headed for the hospital. Several hours later Benjamin Seth Van Wienen made his appearance in our family.
Looking back, Greg reminds me of the sleepless nights for the first 10 months because of ear infections...no memory. I'm told that Luke was especially taken with Ben those first few months...no memory. Bottle feeding in the middle of the night....no memory. Watching the kids bond with Ben...no memory. First time he crawled...none. First smile...no. All I have of that first year of Ben's life are pictures. I'm thankful for them especially now. It's strange to me, how can such a life changing experience be completely obliterated from my memory? I guess it's probably deep in there some where....places I don't know how to reach. I blame the brokenness of grief...one of those ripples in the waters of grief. But even though I don't have those memories, I still have Ben. I still choose to find the joy in each of our kids (even though it may be very difficult some days!). I choose to go forward in life occasionally looking back at the memories lost... but mostly looking ahead to the blessings He still has in store for me.
So happy birthday Ben-Ben (what we used to call him when he was younger - he HATES being called that now)....thank you for being you and bringing so many blessings into our lives! Excited to see where God leads you and what plans He has in store for your future!
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