Going back

I've wanted to explain something for the past several weeks.  Have you noticed the red handprint in the background of my blog?  That is the hand of our sweet Seth.  Seeing how little his hand was - it's hard to remember how little he really was.  I wonder how big his hand would be now. 

 

The hospital staff  were unbelievable after Seth's accident.  Compassionate, empathetic, caring, allowed us to grieve any way we felt we needed to.  One of the special things that they had done was to get a handprint of Seth's hand.  I didn't know at that time how precious this gesture actually was.  It's one of the things I treasure deeply.  Being able to see his little hand whenever I need to?  Such a gift!

 

I've come to the time in my writing that I'm about to tackle the day of the accident and the following days.  To say I'm apprehensive doesn't even come close.  Putting myself back in those initial moments and days is terrifying to me.  I know that I am suppose to do this.  God has made that abundantly clear that now is the time to do this.  It's just that I don't want to go back to the pain...the gut wrenching pain...the wailing...the witnessing our other kids going through that pain. 

 

But there were also so many gifts and I am looking forward to remembering those.  I'm looking forward to remembering what God did for us in those early hours and days.  Please pray for me as I take on this task in the next several weeks.  I desperately want Him to be glorified in it.  Please pray that I receive the words He wants me to write.  Please pray that when I look at that little hand, remember some difficult memories, and write these next few chapters that I see Him and what He has done for me and be able to express my gratitude to Him and for all He has done in these last 9 years. 

I haven't been cheated

"A person may have many plans in their heart.  But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end"  Proverbs 19: 21

 

So my closest friend, Chariss, and myself took part in a Priscilla Shirer simulcast this past weekend.  It was the best way to attend - sitting in our lounge pants, eating donuts, and soaking in the messages.  I loved it!

 

One of the ideas that struck me most was about being cheated out in life.  So many of us believe that.  If we're single....we've been cheated out of a husband.  No kids....cheated out of being a mom.  Not the job that we were planning on having - cheated out of our dreams.  And in my case....if I'm going to be completely transparent - my family is pretty darn broken....I've grieved over the loss of my "perfect family" for several years...I feel cheated out of a "normal healthy family".

 

Earlier in our marriage, I thought about when we would have kids and a family.   I had this dream that we'd have a large family, that we would adopt some children born here and some from other parts of the world, that the kids would be the best of friends, that they'd stick up for each other, that they'd come to me with the tough issues that life throws at them. My dream was to be a great mom....one who would know most of the answers, that wouldn't lose her temper, that would have a batch of great smelling home made cookies waiting for them as they got home from school (well that did happen occasionally).  My dream was that our kids would want to spend time with us...that they'd come home for Sunday dinners..that they would want to bring their friends over to hang out when they were in high school. 

 

But today, my family doesn't look anything like that and I feel cheated out of having a "normal family" whatever NORMAL is.  One of our children has died, another doesn't live with us any longer, a few have rebelled and resisted being a part of our family.  Some have left but now have "come home" (not to our actual home, but to our family).  We've lost 3 children due to miscarriages.  We have a special needs child....this isn't what my family was suppose to look like, or so I thought. 

 

Priscilla reminded me that I actually haven't been cheated - I've been chosen!!  God specifically CHOSE me to be the mom for each of these kids....God CHOSE this to be the family He wants me to be in.  Our family is EXACTLY the way God had envisioned it to be - and I am NOT cheated.  It's a brand new mindset for me.  I knew that God has a purpose for my life, but I was reminded on Saturday that my purpose is to be a mom to THIS family - MY family. 

 

I have a new vision of my family now.  Yes, it's not exactly how I thought we'd look like, but I'm going to make this my life's work - to pray for these kids of ours.  My fight isn't for a perfect family - my fight is on my knees FOR my family in whatever place each of them are. I have a renewed sense of purpose and I feel chosen, beloved, and renewed.  

 

"A person may have many plans in their heart.  But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end"  Proverbs 19: 21