Going back

I've wanted to explain something for the past several weeks.  Have you noticed the red handprint in the background of my blog?  That is the hand of our sweet Seth.  Seeing how little his hand was - it's hard to remember how little he really was.  I wonder how big his hand would be now. 

 

The hospital staff  were unbelievable after Seth's accident.  Compassionate, empathetic, caring, allowed us to grieve any way we felt we needed to.  One of the special things that they had done was to get a handprint of Seth's hand.  I didn't know at that time how precious this gesture actually was.  It's one of the things I treasure deeply.  Being able to see his little hand whenever I need to?  Such a gift!

 

I've come to the time in my writing that I'm about to tackle the day of the accident and the following days.  To say I'm apprehensive doesn't even come close.  Putting myself back in those initial moments and days is terrifying to me.  I know that I am suppose to do this.  God has made that abundantly clear that now is the time to do this.  It's just that I don't want to go back to the pain...the gut wrenching pain...the wailing...the witnessing our other kids going through that pain. 

 

But there were also so many gifts and I am looking forward to remembering those.  I'm looking forward to remembering what God did for us in those early hours and days.  Please pray for me as I take on this task in the next several weeks.  I desperately want Him to be glorified in it.  Please pray that I receive the words He wants me to write.  Please pray that when I look at that little hand, remember some difficult memories, and write these next few chapters that I see Him and what He has done for me and be able to express my gratitude to Him and for all He has done in these last 9 years. 

I haven't been cheated

"A person may have many plans in their heart.  But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end"  Proverbs 19: 21

 

So my closest friend, Chariss, and myself took part in a Priscilla Shirer simulcast this past weekend.  It was the best way to attend - sitting in our lounge pants, eating donuts, and soaking in the messages.  I loved it!

 

One of the ideas that struck me most was about being cheated out in life.  So many of us believe that.  If we're single....we've been cheated out of a husband.  No kids....cheated out of being a mom.  Not the job that we were planning on having - cheated out of our dreams.  And in my case....if I'm going to be completely transparent - my family is pretty darn broken....I've grieved over the loss of my "perfect family" for several years...I feel cheated out of a "normal healthy family".

 

Earlier in our marriage, I thought about when we would have kids and a family.   I had this dream that we'd have a large family, that we would adopt some children born here and some from other parts of the world, that the kids would be the best of friends, that they'd stick up for each other, that they'd come to me with the tough issues that life throws at them. My dream was to be a great mom....one who would know most of the answers, that wouldn't lose her temper, that would have a batch of great smelling home made cookies waiting for them as they got home from school (well that did happen occasionally).  My dream was that our kids would want to spend time with us...that they'd come home for Sunday dinners..that they would want to bring their friends over to hang out when they were in high school. 

 

But today, my family doesn't look anything like that and I feel cheated out of having a "normal family" whatever NORMAL is.  One of our children has died, another doesn't live with us any longer, a few have rebelled and resisted being a part of our family.  Some have left but now have "come home" (not to our actual home, but to our family).  We've lost 3 children due to miscarriages.  We have a special needs child....this isn't what my family was suppose to look like, or so I thought. 

 

Priscilla reminded me that I actually haven't been cheated - I've been chosen!!  God specifically CHOSE me to be the mom for each of these kids....God CHOSE this to be the family He wants me to be in.  Our family is EXACTLY the way God had envisioned it to be - and I am NOT cheated.  It's a brand new mindset for me.  I knew that God has a purpose for my life, but I was reminded on Saturday that my purpose is to be a mom to THIS family - MY family. 

 

I have a new vision of my family now.  Yes, it's not exactly how I thought we'd look like, but I'm going to make this my life's work - to pray for these kids of ours.  My fight isn't for a perfect family - my fight is on my knees FOR my family in whatever place each of them are. I have a renewed sense of purpose and I feel chosen, beloved, and renewed.  

 

"A person may have many plans in their heart.  But the Lord's purpose wins out in the end"  Proverbs 19: 21

 

 

 

Where did my memories go?

We celebrated a birthday in our family this month - our youngest just turned nine.  NINE?  NINE!  NINE?!?!?!?  Yea, it's hard to believe that Ben is on the brink of pre-adolescence.  For many moms, I'm sure, sometimes the days drag but the years fly.  Such a paradox.  Sad thing is....when I think back to when Ben was born, I don't remember much of his infancy.  How can that be?  My menopausal brain doesn't work as it used to, but really...no memories of his first months?  It takes pictures for me to remember foggy moments in his early life.    It's another thing that death has stolen from me. 

 

You see, Ben was born exactly 3 months after Seth died.  I was still in shock I'm sure.  I will never forget what my doctor had said to me when he placed Ben on my chest... "3 months ago you had to say goodbye to one son, but today you get to hold another".  Cue the tears.  Oh yea, it wasn't pretty.  Hormonally, on a rollercoaster to begin with then you add on raw grief...I didn't have a chance!  Ben's birth was by far the most difficult of the 3 full term pregnancies that I experienced. 

 

Super Bowl Sunday, February 2008.  Water broke.  Kids screaming with excitement, then completely grossed out by the site of my water breaking.  Neighbors coming over to watch the kids and with so much love cleaned up my mess - we headed for the hospital.  Several hours later Benjamin Seth Van Wienen made his appearance in our family. 

 

Looking back, Greg reminds me of the sleepless nights for the first 10 months because of ear infections...no memory.  I'm told that Luke was especially taken with Ben those first few months...no memory.   Bottle feeding in the middle of the night....no memory.  Watching the kids bond with Ben...no memory.  First time he crawled...none.  First smile...no.  All I have of that first year of Ben's life are pictures.  I'm thankful for them especially now.  It's strange to me, how can such a life changing experience be completely obliterated from my memory?  I guess it's probably deep in there some where....places I don't know how to reach.  I blame the brokenness of grief...one of those ripples in the waters of grief.  But even though I don't have those memories, I still have Ben.  I still choose to find the joy in each of our kids (even though it may be very difficult some days!).  I choose to go forward in life occasionally looking back at the memories lost... but mostly looking ahead to the blessings He still has in store for me. 

 

So happy birthday Ben-Ben (what we used to call him when he was younger - he HATES being called that now)....thank you for being you and bringing so many blessings into our lives!  Excited to see where God leads you and what plans He has in store for your future!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Let salt be salt

This past Sunday our pastor had a wonderful sermon on Matthew 5: 13.  The passage says:  "Let me tell you why you are here.  You're here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth.  If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness?  You've lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage"  (taken from The Message). 

 

In the children's sermon he explained two main purposes of salt - #1.  it makes things taste delicious and  #2.  it makes stuff from going bad.  Sounds easy.  Sounds simple...but when asked to implement it, well....that's another story.  One of the main points he made during the sermon was JUST BE SALT...be who God calls you to be, for this time in your life, for His glory.

 

To be completely honest, I have been thinking a lot of what God's purpose for my life is - for this season.  Should I be at home?  Should I get a job?  What do people think of me if I "just stay at home"?  Am I being lazy?  Is resting in God's presence "enough" of a job?  These are the questions that roll around in my mind.  Society says that I should be busy - doing "busy work"....but one thing I AM sure about is that, for this time of my life, God has called me to rest in Him.  Let Him love on me.  Let me work on my relationship with Him (and of course ALL the other things we stay at home moms do when we are taking care of family! :) ).  I guess you could say that my "salt job" is allowing His grace to flow over me and through me so that in turn I can glorify Him.  That's what I pray the book I'm working on will do - bring glory to Him.

 

Be encouraged in whatever "salt job" you are in right now.  Be who He wants you to be and rest in the knowledge of His perfect acceptance of you.  When you do this, according to Pastor Len, you will be blessed, the world is best served, and God IS glorified.

Have you forgotten how to play?

 

 

So....I'm doing this book study at my church called the Good and Beautiful Life.  It's the 2nd in a 3 part book series.  We are learning about how to become followers of Jesus and to fall in love with the God that Jesus knew instead of the one I have created false narratives about in my mind.  At the end of each chapter, the author, James Bryan Smith, asks us to participate in activities he refers to as 'soul training exercises'.  These are activities that allow us to put what we learned in the chapter into action.  For example, one week we needed to sit in silence - try and listen for God's voice...hear what He was telling us. 

 

This past week our soul training exercise was to have fun.  Let me explain.  A false narrative that Christians sometime believe is that we will not be able to experience Heaven until we die or until Jesus comes back again.  Bryan's belief is that Jesus did not exactly preach that, instead Jesus taught that if we are believers we can experience a piece of Heaven here...right now...on earth.  In fact, Jesus spoke of the kingdom of heaven over 100 times during His ministry.  During His time on earth He taught that if we believe in the one true God - He resides in our hearts immediately.  God equals the kingdom of Heaven, therefore we can experience Heaven right now.  The "spiritual exercise that can teach us about living in the kingdom of God" is play.  Bryan continues by saying, "God wants us to be full of joy, and play is a way to experience the goodness of God and the richness of life".  He believes that we as adults have "lost the ability to play". 

 

I tend to agree with that.  Life happens.  Responsibilities become greater necessities than relaxation.  We get busy being responsible adults that we have lost the playfulness of a child.  So, this is my question...what is fun for you?  Greg and I have been married for over 25 years.  I want to be able to still have fun with him!!  But in all honesty, we are VERY different people than when we said 'I do'.  Full disclosure... I don't know what is fun anymore.  I mean don't get me wrong, we enjoy going out...it's not like we're completely boring (unless you ask one of our kids), but I want to learn to do new fun things with him.  We like to go for walks and drives in the country (cue the snores, I know - but it's what we like to do! :)), we like to go to new places to eat and go to the movies.  We like to go to Barnes and Noble and get lost in books for a few hours (wow!  we really know how to have some fun don't we?!?!)  It's just we've done those things for so many years that I'd like some new ideas!!  So please, give me suggestions on what is fun for you to do?  Maybe next time you see us we'll be doing something crazy and FUN!! :) 

 

 

*side note...isn't he the cutest guy you ever did see?!?!  Just love him so!! :)

                                                                                                                                                                            

                                     

 

 

By Faith...Go...Obey

2017... a new year...new beginnings... new callings.  For the past 2 years, I've been enjoying sweet time with God.  He was very clear with His command to "come away and and rest with Me".  So, I've been spending time with Him in ways I never experienced before.  Already this year, His command to me has changed.  He has been telling me "by faith...GO...OBEY".  I see this as my marching orders.  The last 2 years He has been getting my heart ready to share my story.  This year He is wanting me to start writing.  Now, that may sound like a worthy calling, but it's one that scares me.  What if no one wants to read what I write?  What if I'm a horrible writer?  What if I never publish anything?  What will people think of me after they read it?  Then I heard someone say, "it's not about getting published, it's not about what people think, it's about the PROCESS of writing that God wants to teach me things". 

 

So, my goal for this new year is to begin writing my story.  It is going to be 10 years this November since Seth's death.  This is going to be my way of honoring that special anniversary.  This year I'm going to go back.  Back to 2007 to the pain...to the memories...to God's faithfulness...to His fingerprints on my faith.  I'm not kidding myself, it's going to be difficult at times I'm sure; but I am excited to see how He's going to make His presence known to me in new ways.

 

What He does with my story is His prerogative.....I will just, by faith...Go....and Obey. 

Remembering...

      

Seth Roman Van Wienen....born in Russia on July 23, 1999 adopted to home in July 2002.  He was a beautiful child with a beautiful soul.  Always wanting to please, but with a naughty streak as wide as the Mississippi.  Wondered about his 'Russia mom' often.  Was worried for my safety when he found out that I was pregnant with Ben.  Avid basketball player.  Loyal friend.  Player of tricks.  A smile that would melt your heart.  A raspy voice from being left alone in his crib crying so long when an infant.  Loved to read.  Hated to get his nails clipped.  Pushed his brother's buttons daily.  Naughty on the bus.  Accepted Jesus in his heart and the first thing he said after he prayed was "MOM!!  I feel all warm inside!"  Loved his cousins.  Had epic light saber battles with Kyle.  Looked forward to boys adventure every

      year and searching for stones.  LOVED sausages and mashed potatoes. 

      Completely tone deaf.  Would try and sneak up on me to scare me. 

      Loved Jesus.  Told others about Jesus including a neighborhood kid

      who he sat down with and prayed the prayer with that child.  Had the

      sweetest speech impediment and couldn't say his "r"s.  Had the cutest

      outty belly button that prevented him from sliding down slip and slides

      because it scraped it too much.  Terrified of dogs.  Inhaled pistachios.

      Would rather wear sweat pants to jeans any day.  Had THE BLUEST of

       eyes.  Was a complete wimp when it came to pain.  Got scared easily.

       Liked watching Cim Possible.  Always had dirty grimy fingers. 

 

 Just a few of the things that I miss about our Seth.  We had him only 5 short years, but what a mark he left on our lives.  I miss grabbing hugs from him and his reluctantcy of giving kisses.

He would be 19 now - in college.  I wonder if he would have a girlfriend or what he would be studying.  Thing is....it was never to be.   He was never to be 19 or go to college.  God's plan for his life only allowed him to be 10.  I wonder if children age in heaven?  I know that I'll recognize him immediately but I wonder how old he'll be?  So many things that I can't wait to do with him again! 

 

God is still good.  I don't think I would be able to say that in previous years - but He is.  He never left me.  He was constantly 
surrounding me with His love and peace.  He was crying right along

     with us.  We felt His presence in such amazingly beautiful ways.  He never left me.  Through the hundreds and hundreds of cards, to 6 months of meals, to hugs given at just the right time, to lunches that were made so I wouldn't have to make 1 less and be reminded of it every single day.  God was with us when Ben was born 3 months to the day after Seth died.  He was with us when we travelled to Guatemala 6 months later to bring Lydia home.  He was with us - carrying us most times - throughout that first year and beyond.  God is still good.  I stand on that truth while I remember our Seth.